Saturday, November 29, 2008

Long-Eyed and Painless

It is a fact of biology that the legth of the optic nerve in an organism affects the time offset perceived by it. There is a certain null point; with a nerve of this length, the brain perceives the present. Any longer, and the organism will see further and further into the future. Any shorter (i.e. closer to the brain), and the organism will see with a time delay.

In humans, the optic nerve length is nearly exactly at this null point. It is, in fact, a tiny bit short of it, which accounts for the nearly immeasurable delay between occurence and perception in humans. In most semi-intelligent animals, in fact, the optic nerve length is close to this null point. Contrary to what intuition may tell you about the advantages of seeing into the future, evolution favours the present because of the complexities that come about with offsets in hand-eye coordination.

The most advanced animal brains on the planet, dolphins, are still only able to handle about 0.69 seconds of future offset. Some microorganisms and insects see into the future , since appendage-eye coordination plays a smaller role in their survival. This explains some of the more mysterious behaviours of ants and bees.

Neuroscientists, biologists, and physicists are working to perfect a technology that will allow the eyeballs to extend forth from the head, with an elastic optic nerve. This, of course, can only go so far - tests of current candidate materials show a theoretical maximum of 4.20 seconds into the future.

Suggestions have been made that Wi-Fi optic nerve transmission may be possible to allow greater separation, but whether the nervous-temporal link would still apply without a physical connection remains to be seen.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Nothing can kill the Grimace

For years, nay, decades, unhappy McDonalds customers (is there any other kind?) have been petitioning for Grimace-shaped cookies. It seems only logical - why should they not offer cookies in the shape of their coolest, most mighty and powerful mascot?
Yet McDonalds has resisted. Why?

Tasteologists at McDonalds R&D, however, know better. The restaurant has declined to comment on why they will not provide Gimace Cookies only because the truth is too dangerous. Grimace Cookies provide their eater with the most powerful diplomatic immunity known to man. That is to say, anybody eating Grimace Cookies is imbued with absolute immunity to law enforcement of any kind, including vigilante justice.

The duration of this immunity is not long. Moreover, any criminal act committed while eating Grimace Cookies is not simply erased in the memory of the law once the act itself is done. A criminal of sufficiently high-profile would likely have police and vigilantes just waiting outside of his house for him to stop eating Grimace Cookies. It follows that, to truly get away with a crime, one would have to eat Grimace Cookies constantly until the statute of limitations passes. Also, no law can be passed outlawing the act of eating them.

The result of releasing these Grimace Cookies, McDonalds knows, would result in a society of absolute lawlessness, anarchy, and extreme malnourishment. Even with sufficient vitamins taken in between cookies (even, perhaps, intraveneously), eating sugar cookies constantly cannot lead to a very long life. Therefore, a great many people would - ahem - leave the electorate, if I may borrow a euphamism from political science. What you get is:

Huge, rapid decrease in population
+
Extended period of anarchy
=
Sweet post-apocalyptic Mad Max ness.

Ladies and gentlemen, start petitioning McDonalds like you've never petitioned before.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Beer Bucket

The term "beer bucket" has fallen into misuse and abuse. It is often used to refer to a bucket full of ice with six (6) bottles of beer in it. Ever had a gin bucket? It's not an ice bucket with bottles of gin, is it? So why all the confusion about beer buckets?

A beer bucket is necessarily and inextricably a bucket filled with beer.

A recent breakthrough has led to the latest in beer bucket technology. It is inspired by those mugs, with hollow lining filled with liquid, that may be placed in the freezer to later house and chill a tasty liquid treat.

The ultimate beer bucket is a bucket-sized version of this mug: its lining is hollow, and it is frozen beforehand to keep the beer quite cold. In fact, this design is greatly improved by the addition of heat-exchange fins extending from the bottom of the bucket, also hollow and filled with freezable liquid. The heat transfer rate of these cool fins would be:
q_f = M*[sinh(mL) + (h/mk)*cosh(mL)]/[cosh(mL)+(h/mk)*sinh(mL)]
per fin, where
m=sqrt(hP/kA_c)
M=sqrt[hPkA_c(T_base-T_inf)]
h=convection coefficient over fin
k=conduction coefficient of fin material
L=length of fin
P=fin perimeter
A_c=cross-sectional area of fin

Additionally, why would one fill the fin with WATER when one could use a liquid of a similar freezing point, but a much higher heat capacity? This way, it would cool the beer to the same delicious temperature (about 3ºC) for much longer. Research is currently being conducted into the perfect fluid to use.

I hope that there are no further questions on the matter.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Pi (π)

On the lowercase variety of the Greek letter pi, the top is curvy for a very important reason.
It represents the whipped cream on the pi.

The uppercase version represents the less fanciful tastes of a matured individual, who gets to eat more but might not want something childish like whipped cream (note: I am not that individual).

Video Gaming Into the Past

In the near future, it will be possible to play a video game that is in the past, and is in fact real. In other words, imagine something like Oblivion where you're actually in a real place and time in history, and what you do is effected upon the real world in the past.

There will be laws governing this, however, because you can't just have everyone going and messing with history, even in the smallest ways. Fortunately, there is a compromise that allows people to play with the past to their hearts' content: They may do whatever they want only in a certain level. Job.

Gamers can do whatever they want to mess with Jobe, because he was messed with so much anyway that it would go un-noticed. Even by God, the primary and original messer-wither of Job.

Monday, November 3, 2008

On the Improvement of Education

It is well known that the increased use of libraries increases the average intelligence of the surrounding community. Also, Librarians are arguably the best way to access knowledge inside of a library. Thus, the more a community uses the Librarians, the greater the increase in average intelligence will be. However, it is also well known that Librarians are generally left unused for their most advantageous reasons. People would much rather browse or check a computer to find things in a library. We offer a method for the increased usage of Librarians.

First, the Library would be a Labyrinth. This would mean that there would be Minotaur(s) residing within the library, but it would also mean the inclusion of David Bowie in the library's staff. When one is using the Labyrary, they will be approached by a Minotaur and be asked scarily if they require assistance. The library user may be frightened, but also they might begin to utilize the usual tactics of avoiding a Librarian. During this, David Bowie would arrive. He would then ask if the user required any assistance, to which the user would always acquiesce: it is David Bowie, after all. Then David would inform the user that the Librarian would gladly assist them, and David would leave. Then, the user, out of fright and propriety, would accept the help of the Minotaur, and learn how helpful Librarians could be.

A Breif History of Opposite Day

Here we discuss the origins and consequences of what is know as Opposite Day.

Origins
It has come to the author's attention that one brilliant man, in what would be the most magnificent stroke of playground genius, created opposite day. "you are looking cool today" he said to his rival. "uh... hey, thanks!" was the reply. "Oh wait, it is Opposite Day!" quoth he. Then, his rival contemplated this masterwork of a conversation. He knew it was the ultimate in playground survival tactics. His use of the Opposite Day attack won him fame, wealth, and ladies, while the inventor, not quite aware of the brilliance he had unleashed, died in obscurity.

Paradox
The Opposite Day paradox is an important lesson that we can apply across the board. One can never express that it is currently Opposite Day. Any attempt to do so could be take as an opposite event, and thusly a circular logical loop arises. This must be planned in advance or retroactively. Additionally, and we wish to offer this for the gravest consideration of all, if you invoke Opposite Day, be prepared to stick with it for a day. All to often, Opposite Day lasts but a minute.

Improvement upon the seige cannon

Here we render unto you an improvement upon the siege cannon. This weapon is designed for attacking a fortified structure.

Similar in appearance to the cannon, this weapon shoots adult male humans who spit grenades out of their mouths.

The man is fired into the fortification, preferably over any walls and into the courtyard of the structure. The man is generated at the moment of firing with a fairly advanced conciousness. It varies from man to man what is considered during their breif existence, but when they impact, they invariably think, as they die, "i might as well spit a[nother] grenade out of my mouth."
They are always killed by the grenade explosion, and the grenade itself is capable of doing damage to anything it lands near. One of the main effects of this weapon, however, is the psychological impact upon whomever the weapon is being employed.

Upon witnessing the device and its aftermath, an attackee will be terrified that whomsoever is attacking them launches men who can spit grenades and then themselves explode.

It is the hope of the attacker that this will hasten surrender.

There was a time when the men were spawned before battle, so that they could be baptized and made to feel earthly pleasures before their launching, but the men were very prone to spitting grenades directly upwards, and having the grenades hit them on the head. They would complain that the grenades were heavy when they struck them on the head, and then would be exploded by the grenade.

For this reason, most operators of the cannon stopped this practice.

The Immigrant Song

Led Zepplin's Immigrant Song contains the lyrics, oft misquoted, "I come from the land of icing hoes." We would like to decrease the frequency of transgressions against Led and clarify the artist's lyrical intent, while adding our...reservations as to the subject material. However, we are an objective think tank, and wish to represent all ideas here in a similar fashion.
The land of icing hoes is a land where one person presides over a multitude of hoes, who regularly slather themselves with dessert icing. They then proceed to eat the icing off of each other, sensually.

Sometimes, however, they eat each other.

This is dictated by the presiding person giving a subtle signal (more on that in a moment) to the multitude, who descend upon the appointed hoe. At first the appointed one is unaware of what is going on, due to the only slight changes in the multitude's behavior. In fact the multitude is so skilled at the art of eating that there is little pain and it is surprisingly late in the game that the appointed one realizes what the deal is. After this, they continue their previous activities. The signal is given when a particular hoe has displeased the one who presides.

The subtle signal is one of great skill. It needs to be clear, specific, and noticeable to ... otherwise occupied and verily distracted hoes. The one it concerns must not perceive it, there must be enough signals that each hoe has their own. It must be executed casually, so as if it were observed by one with extensive training in such signals, excepting the particular one being performed, it would pass undetected. The extreme skill required limits the possible persons who can preside over the land.

The song proceeds to describe a scandinavian-esque viking-like peoples; we can assume that the barbarism (and offensive descriptor 'hoes') conveyed by this scenario is an attempt by Led to demonstrate the horrors of the warrior race they describe, and by extention reinforce their layered and signifigant metaphorical context.

Water Piano Drive

This concept is for the grim future when oil supply are depleted or otherwise inaccesible. It is titled the Water Piano Drive, and is an excellent method of personal transportation across waterways or bodies of water. The basic method is to play a real song on an imaginary piano on the surface of the water. One would be propelled to a destination, fixed in one's mind prior to the commencement of performing the song, at a rate depending on two factors:
1. The accuracy with which the piece is played. This includes the originally perscribed tempo. For each mistake made, flourish failed, or beat-per-minute of tempo off, the user travels more slowly.
2. How much the deity which operates the WPD (with many ears and sub-net mental IPs) enjoys the piece being played. Be warned that he mostly likes Baroque music. So every time you make a mistake, it also displeases him, so he turns your speed knob down a little. This is an analog process, though one will invariably make a pun about the process's "digital" nature. This displeases the WPD deity.
This is a naturally occurring phenomenon involving zero-point energy and harpsicordian control volumes. Direction is determined by desired destination, as held in the user's mind, but it is cemented upon his departure.
If the piece finishes before the user has reached his destination, one does not, as one might presume, sink into the depths. Instead, since one is making the worst "mistake" one could by not playing anymore, one's speed actually slows down to the point of reversal, and the user is pulled quickly back to his point of origin. This cannot be reversed once started. Only one song may be used for trip, also.
It should also be noted that any one piece can only be being used for travel by one person at a time. To prevent everyone from picking much longer keyboard pieces for every little 2 mile trip, the United Nations has formed a committee that delegates what songs are appropriate for different ranges of trip length. The Water-Piano Relay League (WPRL) releases lists that are published in any port and available for purchase for modest rates in a nice, laminated, spiral-bound booklet. Furthermore, collections of the sheet music can be purchased, either individually or by trip length category, from the WPRL at minimal prices.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

On Drowning Somebody Out

If ever you need something loud to be doing, such that you would not be able to hear somebody (or something, i.e. the milk department), an electric toothbrush suffices quite nicely.

WHAT?
I...I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I'M BRUSHING MY TEETH.

The Ultimate Genie Wish

What follows is meant to be an instructive account of what to do if you find a Genie. The wish outlined here is rather complex, so the Reader would be well advised to first consider how many wishes are available from this particular Genie, and phrase the wish accordingly to squeeze all of these caveats into the appropriate number of long-winded wishes.

Since the beginning of time, people have used their fingers to make the shape of a gun and pretended to shoot at people in jest and in play. Indeed, Jake and I (your Authors) do this more often than most, often pretending to shoot our own heads as well as various objects.

So what if every shot ever fired by a finger-gun could be a real shot? And what if this were retroactive? That is the first part of the wish: that all imaginary bullets (or whatever type of weapon it is declared to be, barring nukes, bio/chem weapons, and large bombs) shot from a pretend gun are real, and that this is retro-active. Of course, not wanting one's own head to explode in a shower of hundreds of once-imaginary bullets is a reasonable request. Because of the possibility of violence in the post-imaginary-bullet-apocalyptic world, another condition of the wish must be that Jake and Billy are protected (retroactively as well as in the future) by an intelligent magic shield.

It is a well-informed assumption that boys play with imaginary finger-guns more often than girls, and it follows that there would be a lot more girls left than boys after this wish takes effect. It would be the regrettable duty of the wisher and his buddy to systematically, erm, re-populate the planet. Of course, because of the tremendous position of power this gives us, the magic shields become all the more important, for fear of assassination. What, though, about when one of the fortunate magic shieldees becomes bored with life and wishes to welcome death? A caveat of the magic shield is required to allow voluntary death, but it must protect from hasty decisions. Therefore, the magic shield will allow any particular form of shieldee death only after a week of discorporal meditation.

We hope this has been helpful.

I call First Postsies

Listen, Gentle Reader:

Hearest Thou that which I do? Hearken, Sir, and behold.
Frisch weht der Wind
Der Heimat zu.
Fresh bloweth the wind, and with it come Wisdoms of a caliber ne'er seen before. These Wisdoms are the stuff of our task here.
Indeed, gentle Reader, if Thou be patient, wilst Thou find untold thousands of ideas and thoughts lain here before you. It could be that Thou findest Thyself inspired to Action; verily, that is our sincerest hope as Thy humble Authors. We only beseech Thee, that if Thou some idea implementest, of that ilk which Thou findest here, that Thou art kind enough to lay proper creditte upon Thy Humble Authors.

So, Friends and Denizens of the Grand, Vast Internet: Let the expositionne begin!